More Girls

So I guess this is the week that my Higher Power wants me to notice friendships. Wednesday another woman in the program invited me to the Red Sox game. It started out as a couples thing, which would have been scary but then her boyfriend couldn't come so she invited 2 other women and we all went into Boston to the game. It was really fun. Lots of silliness. The other 2 women really knew nothing about baseball so we had lots of splainin' to do. Manny was right in front of us and another fan and I fought over who he liked best since we both claimed to be his girlfriend. We sang Happy Birthday to her poor husband later. Lots of beer drinkin' going on too especially the guys sitting behind us who did not shut up for the entire game. Really didn't bother me except when I saw a Guiness walk by. That didn't bother me either except that I remembered that I liked Guiness. Or the idea of Guiness is more like it. But it was fun...and we had great meetings on the way to the game and on the way home.

This morning a friend I met online here, came to my morning meeting. That was very special and I hope she got as much out of that meeting as I did. We have helped each other stay sober through this forum and emails and it was nice to share that with the group. Some people are afraid of the internet and for me it has become a wonderful tool that I perhaps would not have gotten sober without. So not only have I discovered more meaning in the friendships I already had, I am establishing new friendships based upon the principles of this program and for that I will be forever grateful.

The girls

I just had an awesome weekend. My girlfriends treated me to a weekend at a lakehouse to celebrate my upcoming big 5-0. Two of them paint for the woman who owns the house so they got it for free. The girls provided all the food. All I had to bring was my kayak, my books and my soda pop! Might I recommend Izze Sparkling Fruit Juice. My favorites are grapefruit and blackberry. Anyway, despite a forecast for rain and clouds we had a beautiful sun filled weekend. Went out on the lake a lot, got my first massage (one of them is a massage therapist and Reiki master) and had some great conversations and of course lots of food. They got me a beautiful silver charm bracelet from Tiffany's as well as a gift certificate to our favorite book store. They know me so well and I was so deeply touched by their acknowledgements. Honestly, it wasn't until now that I could appreciate these friendships and I have been friend with these women for over 10 years. They have been so supportive this last year. I thought these were girls I would have to leave behind because I did a lot of my drinking with them. e all worked in a bar together while raising our kids and when we left we continued on the tradition in a book club as well as socially. What I found out was that they were not drinking like I did so that when I stopped, it opened up our relationships on a deeper level. I always felt like I didn't belong...that they were just tolerating me. That they didn't really like me. What I found out was that my drinking created a huge block to any meaningful relationship. It wasn't them, it was me. One of the girls is probably also an alcoholic. Untreated. She's been to AA a few years ago as a result of a DUI but she never surrendered. I am grateful that I can show her through example how this program works. I had to explain to the others that we work on attraction not promotion but I did leave my Big Book laying around the house just in case.

The massage was a less relaxing than I suspect its supposed to be. I am just too self conscious of my big fat body to let go. Plus I kept waiting to pass wind....thank God I didn't. I felt bad that I couldn't enjoy it more because it was such a thoughtful gift given with the best intentions.

Anyway it was fantastic. Got home and took yesterday off not to recover from a hangover but to catch up on some things at home and get a mental health day from the boss. Of course here I am blogging on his time...but its the only way I can get through the day and give him some quality time. Or am I rationalizing a defect of charachter. I'm not going there, this was a postive post and I'm sticking to it......xo

Didn't Get the Job

Oh well....got the message yesterday...they are going in a different direction...yeah, like someone who knows what the heck their doing! LOL!! I guess it was just meant for me to go through the process not necessarily do THIS job. I learned alot about myself in the interview. I learned I really do want to work in the field of recovery...its more than just the pink cloud talking (and my cloud ain't so pink anymore, more like maroon)...but now I need to learn how. But, my resume is updated so I can use it when I need to....I am going to call them back to ask for suggestions on jobs I AM qualified for, more entry level stuff, and what higher education they they think I need. I'm sure they want someone with more time under their belt. I think the job description said at least 2 years of continuous sobriety was preferred. I have learned that I am going to have to figure out a way to continue to work with my current employer and NOT go crazy. Principles not personalities. Tough to do....

Funny, I hadn't heard from them and so in the five minutes I had at home this afternoon, I whipped off a Thank you for the interview letter and sent it before I could have second thoughts. And then when I got home later I had the message. Seems we were on the same wavelength. Thank you God.

11 Months Sober Yesterday

Funny, I had kind of forgotten about it until I logged onto my blog and saw the date and thanks to those of you who also noticed. That meant alot. God Willing, I got my last monthly chip this morning. It felt good to be at the meeting and I sat next to the woman who urged me to get that first 24 hour chip. I think I'm going to sit next to her all the time. She sits outside the circle and I think thats what I need to do more of. Less talking and more listening. On the other side of me was the woman who had suggested I apply for the counseling job. She asked me if I had heard anything which I haven't yet. But she did tell me that they said they liked me, that I had good things to say and that the interview went well. That was good to hear because I thought it went well too. Felt like maybe I do have something to offer despite my lack of experience, (other than personal) in the field. So there's still hope. I guess its time to do a little follow up.

I didn't go to many meetings this weekend. Friday night I hadn't planned to go because I was supposed to go to a party but then I cancelled that. I just wanted to grocery shop. It felt good to be doing something normal. Then I didn't go to my Saturday morning meeting because I wanted to sleep late and just get up and do laundry. I missed the meetings but I feel like its time to get some of the mundane tasks back into my life and to do that I need to make time. I used to drink while doing these things and so I've slacked off there in the interest of self preservation. This weekend it felt good to be taking care of my family instead of just me, me, me. I know taking care of me is indirectly taking care of them and I can't lose sight of that. It's all about balance I guess and I'm still figuring that part out. And yesterday I missed the Big Book meeting because well, there was a lot to do. Why do I feel like I need to call in when I am going to miss a meeting??

I had a really nice day yesterday. The most special part was that my daughter suprised me showing up at the restauarant where my husband and I were taking my mother for brunch. She had said she couldn't come for mothers day because of finals and I didn't expect her. My son had to work. I was totally okay with it. I've been telling them the trip to Albuquerque covers the whole enchilada, no pun intended. But there she was standing at the hostess station when we walked in. She wanted to be with me. Really felt nice. I woke up to my son and 2 of his friends crashed on the living room floor having survived their junior prom. He feels comfortable bringing his friends home in the middle of the night. That feels nice too. He's 17 so maybe he couldn't bring himself to say Happy Mother's Day first thing, but when he remembered he did. I really don't need stuff and I am grateful my kids know that although apparantly they got me a webcam too that didn't come in on time. WTF am I going to do with that? But I'm sure they'll tell me.

What also was good was that I took my mom out to brunch and wanted to. I have a hard time being with her. She is just a different person....and I don't like it much. Not that I much ever did. Everyone else likes her but I usually don't. I think because I see what she doesn't show. Here is a woman who was very simple and wore a only a gold band for her entire life and now she's got a gaudy ring on every finger. Not to mention the pins all over her shirt...yet she can't figure out how to comb her hair. But I'm getting to acceptance and just the fact that I wanted to take her out and that we had a really nice brunch is progress. That we can joke about her memory loss. She decides what she wants at least 10 times while we wait to place our order. Its always the same thing though like its a brand new decision. We tell her its a good choice every time. Finally she closes the menu and then asks a few minutes later, have I decided what I want? We tell her to take a rest and we will remember her order for her. I called my brother to remind him to call her...instead of resenting the fact that he wouldn't. That's progress. I didn't feel guilty like I should be doing more than just taking her to brunch. She's got so much stuff I cannot add to it. Part of her thing is the compulsion to hoard. When she first was sick it was oyster crackers. She had boxes and boxes of them she would save from meals. She got over that and now its food. Looks like boxes of chocolates and honey dew melons are the latest. She's also into knickknacks, books....every surface of her room is covered. This is a woman who was all about beige and spare. Talk about a psychic change. But I did a lot of letting go this weekend and it was good to see that. One thing that gets me though still. Even though I've inventoried it and shared it in my fifth step. When I invite her to a sporting event of my son's, she always replies that she did her time with my 2 brothers. Adamently. I don't care whether she goes or not, but she is full of it. My brothers and I don't remember her attending anything of ours. Unless she was invisible and that is possible. I'm not sure who's got the faulty memory here but it really ticks me off and I want to say something but I don't. Good thing tomorrow is therapy and sponser day!

Maybe too because I wasn't at meetings this weekend, alot of stuff was coming up with my husband. I really need to work on this. More later. Have a good day everyone!

Have a Great Day

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.

Love the people who treat you right.

Forget about the ones who don't.

Believe everything happens for a reason.

If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.

If it changes your life, let it.

Nobody said life would be easy.

They just promised it would be worth it.

My posse

For quite some time now I have been giving rides to a few girls on a regular basis. It was one way I found that I could be of service very early one. One woman celebrated her year when I celebrated my 30 days and we bonded over that. She needed rides because she didn't have a car and had a huge fear of driving. Over this past year I have seen her get a job, move to a new house, grow spiritually and now finally she got a car and she is driving. It's huge for her. I also give rides to a few girls from a local sober house. Same thing, both of them have gotten jobs and one now has her car and license back and the other girl has her car but is learning to drive stick shift. I miss them. They don't need me anymore....We had some good meetings in my car and good heart to hearts. I am so grateful for the relationships I have built with them and though I miss them, I am now getting to know them on a completely different level. And they have no idea how much they helped me...even though I moaned and groaned sometimes about going out of my way or wanting to sleep in, they got me to meetings I wouldn't have gone to otherwise, would have pulled up the sheets over my head. And hearing their problems and helping them through them has helped me through mine. I feel like I do when I watch my daughter thrive in her freshman year at college. My girls are growing up and I am so grateful to have been a small part of it.

11th Step Meeting

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God praying only for the knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.

Those of us who attended the retreat last month really wanted to carry on our 11th step practice in an AA group setting. In our area there are no 11th step meetings and in fact there are no meetings on Saturday afternoons. When I first felt the need for a meeting it was a Saturday afternoon and I had to travel an hour to get to a meeting which I never found. Anyway, the facilitators of the retreat were kind enough to share some formats of 11th step meetings and suggestions on how to get one started. We have worked with the church where we began our Centering Prayer sessions and wala! we've got an 11th step meeting beginning this week. Our first meeting will just be the founders so we can do a runthrough of the format and take care of business but then we open it up. It's very exciting.

Oh yeah and I've got an interview on Wednesday!

WTF! Don't they know I'm an idiot! Well, when they see my resume they will. I've got absolutely no experience and they seem to be hanging their hat on my BA in psychology with a concentration in social work which I got over 23 years ago..... meanwhile my boss gave me a lecture today on ethics and how the ends do not justify the means.....and interesting conversation but this man needs to be teaching not practicing law. He needs willing students not employees held hostage.

I am thankful for the openness, honesty and willingness that have allowed me to live this new sober life.